TITLE IS NOTHING

2007-05-29T23:21:00.000+08:00

Well okay, like you thought, crying as per normal. I'm not eating anything starting today. I'm not going to be what I was like before. I'm keeping everything bottled up. I'll explode one day. And You, Mr, You. Don't rub salt in the wound. What you've done is enough. I got thrown away like I always am. My friends threw me like dump. My parents threw me away like toys. You threw me away like a dog. Well. I guess this is the life. I really wanted to change to be able to love again. I guess I was wrong. I don't want to live. I'll drink, smoke and cut myself today. Just like the other day. I'll make sure it bleeds more than Fate's. I will. That's all. I suck. You're king of everything. Okay. I made you sound like a matrep. Okay. I made my parents ashamed. I made my brothers hate me. I made my friends push me away. What more do you want me to do to make people have negative actions on me? Tell me what.

2007-05-29T23:07:00.000+08:00

Okay. Guys, I'm going for good. I've been pushed away. More like kicked. Okay I'm stupid. No one cares bout me. And don't you people who pretend to be my friends come to me and say OH I LOVE YOU, DONT GO AWAY. All I'll say is fuck you. I'm getting drunk and I'm going smoking tonight. Alone. So? Grounded. Yeah so? I'm stupid to even understand care and concern. Yeah too bad. Well who am I? A living dead whore. Okay thanks bye.

2007-05-29T17:01:00.000+08:00

1. Is it good for a kid to quit at something if he/she thinks they're no good at ?
I feel that my child should learn to love challenges.

2. Do you believe in constant nourishment?
Yeah.

3. Are you a child molester?
Would Mike Jackson confess at this?

4. When frusturated or angry do you tend to overreact?
Yes sometimes.

5. Should you have regular outings with your kid/s as a family?
I don't want my child to be growing up under a rock.

6. Is it wise to talk to your kids about sex as often as you can in their teens?
Yeah. So they'd be aware of the dangers.

7. Do you frown upon upon underage drinking?
Too underage is a big nono. But drinking at the age of 16 should'nt be too shabby.

8. Do you believe a child should be taught respect at an early age?
Yes cause kids grow up picking up everything they see.

9. Is physical sports an option foryour future son?
Up to you la child.

10. Is 15 a good age to start letting a child become a little more Independent?
15 is too old don't you think? I'd say 14. Whether girl or boy.

11. Do you believe in positive reinforcement?
Yeah.

12. Do you think modern music, movies,or videogames play a significant role on a child's life?
Yeah.

13. If you knew your kid was drinking 15+ do you talk to them and have an agreement if they do it again?
I'll tell me kid to try to stop. Prolly at the age of 17, he can drink all he wants. But 15?

14. If a baby is constantly crying for attention do you give it to him?
We did that when we were kids too.

15. If your kid is honest with you when it comes to going out, should you give him/her more leniency?
Yeah. Even if it's a bad thing, I trust my kid to know what's right and wrong.

16. Should you encourage your child to defend themself, but also teaching them to never pick a fight?
Yeah. Warn them once or twice. They still bully you, beat them up. That's what my dad taught me.

17. Do you think a single parent works just as well as a married couple?
You need two hands to clap to make a sound.

18. You should always talk to your kids about drugs, even if they dont want to?
FIRM YES!

19. Are you a gay couple considering adoption?
The answer is the same as if your mom has three legs.

20. Do you tell them it's okay to quit if he/she put's no effort into it?
I'll force him/her to like it. Even if it happens to be Maths.

2007-05-27T17:10:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Why Bren did that.
Song: I will fly - ten2five.
Mood: Help me recover my love?

So I'm still over at Aunt Nana's crib. Slept over. Hms. Had a family gathering here today. Kassandra's birthday today. Happy 8th, child. So I'm practically shocked over something. I guess la. Cause I'm not supposed to care about it. Till Ahmad told me everything. Only then did I feel the hurt and betrayal. Hm okay. Let's drop the topic. So now, everyone's in the theatre room. Yes Aunt Nana has a room specially for movie marathons like today. There's air-conditioning, sofa, cushions, rugs and mats and a dark room. How cool. Slept there last night. Nice. They're watching Jangan Pandang Belakang. So Jack's outside with me. He doesn't like movies. I pity you, kid. Jack's not his real name la actually. His name's Kieran Aryan. Youngest child and only boy Aunt Nana has. Cute kid I must say. So yeah. Aunty Aida's here too. She brought Iman(girl), Qhalif(boy) and Falishah. Yeah. They're all int he theatre room. I don't care if you don't care. I just like to type. So don't read if you don't want to. Okay? I'm making a new blog. A very own I must say. Only me, Fatin, Brendon and Ahmad will get to read it. It's a very personal thing and these are close people. Maybe Fate too once I start talking to him again. I hope Deela is reasonable this time. God I miss Fate fetching me from school during the exams. Bro, where are you? I want to show you my cool deep scar and say sorry. Do call me soon la bro. And fetch me from school after the hols too la. I miss watching bubble tea pearls explode. And I did miss laughing and smiling sincerely. Come on la Fate. Sorry alright? You're worrying me. I do hate your girlf cos she's unreasonable to you and you're letting her step all over your head. Br, where's the Fate I know that doesn't allow any stepping over heads. So who's going to keep my spirits up now that you're gone huh? Lost a dear dear best friend and he won't come back. God god god. I'll talk to you on your birthday okay? Well maybe by that time, you've forgotten me and we can start anew alrights.

So okay I guess I should go watch movies too huh since Bren's put having fun, Ahmad's got to go somewhere and Shiv no where to be found. Oh and Fatinn too. There are no bookshops anywhere nowadays. Where have all the bookstores gone? Will someone take me out to a date-with-books date? Fatinn? Let's go shopping for books? Hms. I love reading nowadays I guess. So get me a nice book with a nice cover and a Shre's headband and i'll be your little angel.

Well much love,
Tashah<3

2007-05-26T11:50:00.000+08:00

My Holidays.

Grounded.
Phone confiscated.
Laptop confiscated.

2007-05-25T23:13:00.000+08:00

thinking of: what he said was true.
song: through the rain - mc
mood: how-do-you-make-a-deep-wound-stop-bleeding-and-tearing-by-itself ?

im sorry i cut myself today. i itched for it. i bought it a few weeks back. the thing was sharp. i didnt notice. i pressed too hard and i could see the white skin. just like fate said. i got so shocked at the blood dripping, i was too scared to move. but i did manage to see the blood flow. it was gushing out. it was kind of pretty. but the wound got bigger. it tore by itself. i could feel the stretch. as im typing, the wound is tearing and bleeding. tell me this isn't the end. i cried so loudly outside the house. only ten minutes later then i remembered to put on pressure like fate used his bandanna. i went it, washed the blood but not the wound. so i used a cloth and pressed it down. slowly reflected and what i did. then i started to cry. i needed you to stop my bleeding for me. hold this cloth down hard as i look into your eyes and make you cry with me. to feel you feeling scared, it makes me smile at a point where you're afraid to leave me. when will FATE introduce us properly? why not? dont say we're not meant to be. i know we are. you're not seeing it yet. one day i'll come back for you. i promise i will. whether you like or not. i'll be in MIA for the mean time. till i really find myself and know who i am, hold my responsibilities, be perfect, i'll come back aacting its accidental. i'll not come for you directly. i want you to see through me. i don't want to lie. i never did. if you're not coming home, i'll come to what you call your home. i will. i want to change myself. i'll change my email, change everything. i'll only appear once or twice. i want you to know i want this. no matter how hard it makes me suffer. i really love you. and now, i wipe my tears with the bloody bloody cloth. so what do i do with your pictures? exactly what. keep it to yourself. i'll be MIA. the only thing you'll know that is updated, is this stinking blog.

2007-05-25T22:44:00.000+08:00

I'm drinking too much water. Eating too little. School is my only meal. I want to burst and splash water all over. I hope the water from my body lets you feel how I feel when it touches your body. Feel my fire. Feel my fight for love. Feel it. I hope you die when you feel it okay? You assholes.

Tashah: Boys are all the same.
Typical Guy: Not all boys are the same. They're different in their own way. I'm not like them.
Tashah: Yeah and my son is the Chow Yun Fat.
Typical Guy: No really.
Tashah: Yeah who said you were lying.
Typical Guy: So, the only thing I'm trying to convey is, I'm not like them.
Tashah: Ha-Ha-Ha.
Typical Guy: You do believe me don't you?
Tashah: No. The only thing that is different between these boys are that the words they use to spray it to break a girl's heart. The conclusions are the same. The key words and phrases stick. The results: A happy playboy and a dying young girl who gets it all the time. So yeah. I don't trust you bullshits anymore.
Typical Guy: Nah don't say that. I'm really different.
Tashah:WAH STUPID! YOU DON'T GET IT IS IT!?
Typical Guy: *Goes silent*
Tashah: *BLOCK AND DELETE*

Girls, learn. If this is just about how your convo with a guy goes, BLOCK AND DELETE before it's too late and you become like me. Keep running back. I'm still running back and I do realise it.

2007-05-25T22:29:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Jackass.
Song: Peaches - Fuck the pain away.
Modd: FUCK OFF LA CHEE HONG.

Walked from Bugis to Little India. Just to avoid a long queue. Walked from Little India to some stupid Bangla area. Still no cab. No water.

Got fucked of the report book and results. I begged and cried to not get my lappie confiscated. Cos of someone. (It's no use now is it.)

Sat in the cab hoping and anxious to get home to a warm someone I call(ed) my own. But no. I did come home to him. To him pointing out my bad points. And the moment I got home, I was out of breath. I sat down just to look for him but got this email. I could have stopped breathing. I swear I skipped a few breaths.

Brother fucked me for not listening. Mother fucked me for slapping brother. Father is not talking to me becus of the results. Big brother won't even look at me. Who do I turn to?

Silly qn. I turn to my penknife of cos. God, if you really want me to suffer and give me your @#$%^& obstacles to test me, you can just take my life. No really. I can't take this at a young age. No one and I mean no one at all knows how I feel. They claim they do. Tell them to lick the hairs of their legs okay?

God, if you want to know if...

If I can handle you. I say no.
If I can take your challenges in life. I say no.
If I can take all this misunderstanding. I say no.
If I want to live. I say no.
If I don't want to be cared for. I say no.
If I can satisfy anyone at all. I say no.
If I make anyone happy. I say no.
If I like the all the above. I say, You rock for skinning me alive.

Well, this is how it goes. Okay this is it. So much for rings and proposes. My parents still do get divorced. Now I know where I get my habits. I grew up that way. Thanks la ah to all you ucking suckers who make Tashah a living fucking Tashah.

Much fuck,
Your mother has hair on her elbows.
(cry)

2007-05-23T19:55:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Sigh.
Song: Fuck the pain away. (Jackass soundtrack) - Peaches.
Mood: Go away first.

Stupid sucky Emotional Freedom Class. Tapping on your feelings and nerves? Excuse me Mr, it doesn't work for me. I want a brain transplant. Maybe that'll work. So went for the stupid Leadership Training thing. Boring la. It was a mistake la agreeing to be incoming VP. Okay I guess I fell kind of ill in the morning abit. Sneezing and slight fever. Verrrrry slight. I popped a few panadol pills today. Number one, cause I need to get rid of my fear of pills. Two, I want to die early. Hahh. No la. I need to diet. Like seriously la. Really seh. So Fatin gave me a new Topshop blouse. Topshop is just my thing nowadays isn't it. Yeah I guess. So I miss Fate la. Since the fight we had, he hasn't been talking to me. I guess I'm really bad at all types of relationships. Friends, BGR and basically everything. Okay la nvm. Brother spoilt my mood. Okay brother, you suck much. I swear.

Much Love,
Tashah Hantu.

2007-05-22T16:57:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: What bag to bring. Haha.
Song: Bole Chudiyan - The people from Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham la.
Mood: Hindustaniiiiii!

Today was kind of silly. Funny things everywhere. So yeah. First was the briefing. We played scissors paper stone. And we had strips of stickers. The winner will put a sticker on the loser's face. Apparently, since I suck at it, I got 12 stickers. So I won for losing. And yes I was the worst player there. So I got this peg. It was virgin red and had a white flower on it. Then we played Bingo. We had to find people who has the certain things la. I won third. Yay man! Hahas. So then I got a badge. I was just thinking of buying a new one today. And the funny thing is, I wanted to buy a lame cheap looking badge. And tadaa, I got it. It's green. And boy, do I mean green. Then it had this chicken without a body thing done buy Paint. So yeah. Looks cheap enough. Hey! It's $1.50 okay! They didn't take it out. And the previous one was 3 buggies (bucks). So tml, I'll be having that leadership course. Gaaaah! Then then, the good thing is, I don't have to bring books for tml and the next day. The bad part is, it ends at 6. Bleahhhh. I guess this is it for today la. I love Azmir sehhhhhhh! Hehhs.

Much Love,
Tashah.

2007-05-20T13:38:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: How scary last night was.

Listening to: Brown eyes - Destiny's Child.

Okay so I went out yesterday at around 2 am? I wanted to go out earlier but nooo. Fate only came late at night. I called her to ask her to sit out with me at the Christian grave. Aaaah! Still gives me the creeps till now. I still have photos of it. Hahaaaa. So okay. Then there was one part where we reading the names when there was this bright lights! I almost shit in my pants. And yes I cried. But it only turned out to be a car. So Fate laughed it off and I sort of cried it off. But what was a car doing late at night at the graveyard? That is still making me pee in my pants. So I made Fate sit under a tree with me. She just wanted to make sure that I was okay. So she told me to pretend she wasn't there. So I did. I sat there on the other side of the tree and cried my eyes out. Fate was having fun with her PSP and my iPod. But she kept an ear on me la. So thanks for that. Then I had the urge to pee. So we had to walk home. And she sent me till my gate. And I climbed up the pipe leading to abang's room and went into my room. Thats about it. The pics are here :

2007-05-19T22:28:00.000+08:00

I really want to turn back time. Please? I'm sorry for what I did and didn't do. I'm sorry if there was anytime at all where I lied. I'm sorry for the misunderstandings. I should have never gotten mad at you. I'm very sorry. I never touched a ciggarette since last year. I just said I did cause all I wanted was attention. I wanted love. I wanted to know you cared. I needed to. I never drank for sooo long. I just said I did cause I wanted to know you actually loved me. I didn't cut myself for a long time. A very long time too. And I just said I cut myself cause I wanted to hear your sweet lulling words. I never did lie about anything else. I don't know how long I'd be able to stay this way. Feeling calm and all. But I'm still breaking down when every girl tells me she loves you. I can't blame them really. Cause you see, your love and your words to even a simple friend is enough to bring her to cloud nine. What more to a girl like me? Ever so sensitive. I can't handle it you know. I sometimes wonder if you're really a human being or an angel sent down to test us all. I really wonder you know? Cause its like you're too good to be true. Well I should stop here alrights. I guess I'm going off now. I need to sit and think :,)

Much Love,
Tashah.

2007-05-19T15:29:00.000+08:00

Love, if I were in your shoes, this is what I would feel. I do try to put myself in your shoes everytime we fight. I just didn't show it. Here's how I'd feel if I were you:

Explanations are not necessary when you know what you've done wrong. Things are going amazing with her. She texts me constantly. Keep each other company while the other is at home. She makes me feel beautiful and worth it. She's perfect in my eyes. She doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink She tells me nothing but the truth. If that's not commitment or dedication, please tell me what is. And yet, there's this other girl. One I can't seem to let go of. One that just wants to love me as badly as Syak does. She's much further away, and a time change named intense keeps us apart more than I would like. She is everything I want just with an ocean in the way and no possible way to claim it. And all I find myself needing to say is sorry. I am excited to be with Syak. Excited to be happy and feel loved. I am just reluctant to let her be my all. I'm afraid that at this speed it is all going to fall apart. This other girl, so content in a letter and voice. As am I with songs and a promise. Much more far-fetched than anything I could dream of. But so utterly enticing. Fickle, unsure, unable to decide. Must i make this choice? Or will you wait and be there when this all comes crashing down? I am sorry that I have turned out to be like all the others. I am a pessimist at heart. I hope either one of you will wait. (Let's think twice of that other girl.)

2007-05-19T15:19:00.000+08:00

It feels like just yesterday. And when I read those words you texted to me, I'm thrown back into the same time and that same state of mind until I pull my eyes away again. Oh I love you. Will you ever see truth in me dear?

The entire time I felt myself feeling the vacancy that I'd become numb to. It was as if the nerves were being exposed in a cavity. I walked up to the house barefooted. I felt the grass compressing, and the lucky blades sliding between my toes. I could smell the fresh cut grass around me, and felt the need to go in the backyard and sit in the tree house. And at the conclusion of all of these thoughts and tiny experiences, I realized how much I'm going to miss my home when I run away tonight. The place I shed my tears. The place I bled in. The place that brought me through hell. The place where I lied down on the bed texting my dear love sweet words in tiny stars suggesting that we're doing it. *cries* Just like this. I'm missing my home. My nest. With pieces of my past etched in everything.

It's going to be hard letting go of everything I've been trying to escape.

2007-05-19T15:01:00.000+08:00

Oh boy. You annoy me so much. But I love you all the same. Each time you stare directly into me with deep sad eyes and a rowdy face, I want to slap you with joy. I want to kiss you and push you down. I want to bite and play and chase each other through the halls. I remember when we first met, everything you said sounded so intelligent. And now. I'm pretty good at deciphering the bullshit from the truth. Baby you love good. ♥ I love you all the same. And each time you sigh, take a deep breath, and give me that earnest I really wish you wouldn't give me that look, I want to laugh, when really what im saying is I'm sorry I'm so silly. I'm sorry I'm so foolish and girly. Sometimes when I say no, I really mean it too. But most of the time no means yes. But you understand this all, boy. I can tell by your eyes. Deep brown, almost black eyes. *sigh* God help me. Those eyes will be my death. They make me laugh. They're so serious. So impeccably inquisitive and deep. You silly boy. I love you. I love you all the same. All the more. More each day. Daily I whisper your name in the morning Sun. Sunlight beaming into my eyes. Your eyes are the sex. Just like sex. I love it but I'm not good at it. Love you. You mean alot to me. Me = nothing.

2007-05-19T14:58:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired and everything feels so surreal. Its like waking up from a nap before you've even rested. That feeling you get when it seems as if you've only slept one small miniscule moment. Drowsy, pouty, whiney. I'm not ready to get up. That feeling where anything is warm, where anyones arms just feels so good. Just one moment of silence in your mind and the world feels at ease for seconds more. I need your hand on my stomach and your voice slowly easing me into consciousness. I miss you and our old days hardcore big time.

2007-05-19T14:56:00.000+08:00

So life is going at full speed. And i mean it totally. So very fast. So silly so lame. bBut its true. I miss slow nights under the stars. But summers' approaching so we'll have all those. ♥

Just a little foot note in plain English.

2007-05-19T14:55:00.001+08:00

Nostalgia kicks in and it makes my face weary, yet all that peaceful heart loveliness mumbo jumbo. I love you, boy. I really really really do. If I could dissolve you into me. If only. Im re-reading all those notes. All those lovely, cruel, tender things we said to each other. Looking back is said to be a sign of weakness. But, looking back, I realize that we've become so strong. Just hold my small hand and kiss my cheek. Take my heart for tender. Lets wear each other's clothes, sleep together and never let go.

2007-05-19T14:46:00.000+08:00

When all that was real was mangled and distraught,

we had our thighs and lips all tangled in a knot.

Sweet slippery loving, your sonnet danced on my chest.

On october afternoons, you divested me all bare;

on sheets aged many years all smelling stale in air.

Your fingers, they were telling of the barren of my belly.

Our swaying passion was left so unbridled;

when years ago i fled at the face of my rival.

But now, my pretty hands do pretty things when pretty times arise.

and sweet-smelling limbs fold around where I lie.

Once we were callow, all bending and breaking

now, in whispers and moans, we're trembling and shaking.

Oh softly now, you furrow your brow,

my tender touch cures it even up till now.

2007-05-19T14:43:00.000+08:00

I tossed and turned last night and woke up to dreams I didn't want to have but couldn't be called nightmares cause they were so wonderful. I awoke at around 4:30 this morning. I just layed and stared my blank stare at the little dots on my ceiling, trying to form an illusion that might just lull me back into that time consuming daze. I told myself each of my flaws counting by numbers. It made me smile and fall back to sleep for no more than a half an hour. This isn't worth it. What I do to myself. This feeling in my fingers that makes my hands shake and my stomach turn. I feel waves of that terrifying tingly numbness rush through me after every heartbeat. The stiffness in my joints. I want to stretch but I'm just so tired. It feels like the game is beginning again. Like I need my fix. I need someone to hold me, touch me, love me, rock me in your arms and call me baby. It's broken it's emotional barrier and its tearing me apart physically. The whole amount of my insides quivers incessantly. My heart will skip a beat and I hold my breath in fear of each moment. A wave of nausea sweeps me off my feet. A murmur of whispers telling me I've gone bonkers. What have you done to me? I fold, bend, and break in your arms each and every day. And that's how I like it.

2007-05-19T14:39:00.000+08:00

Its about time he shook my hand and welcomed me. The sunrise in my heart was from a lack of imaginitive upbringing. Like saying it was 'pretty' or 'nice'. What damage it could do the the painting in my head. Stuff my hands in my pockets and walk away because whats the point in staying if I give or gather nothing for you right? The light could've burned the retinas from my eyes had the darkness not quickly swept over me. It is not ignorance or evil. It is a comfort I searched for when I'm down. If I see the world layed out before me what type of human being would I be? I need that lack of destiny and fate to keep me groping for my future. Where is my life they ask. I feel around and say 'here here here'. It is all around me. Can't you feel the sharp tips I feel? Bursting and bubbling, and when I die today, fabulous candles will spitter spatter bright bubbly flames all over these walls. My spirit will split the sun in two. Sometimes we need to just wonder if we're on the right path. Me? Oh I am. I'm still after him (:

2007-05-19T14:32:00.000+08:00

In a universe suddenly divested of illusion and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land.

There are faces with heavy hearts and hidden wounds, piled away in some attic where dust only scatters with the growing collection. If God is real, the trees seem to proclaim it louder.

Politics and religiosity become infused into an awkward battle where strategy and funds and signatures and governors and hippies and God and gays and trees and apocalypse are lumped into the same paragraph as well as the same breath.

The rain is fresh and cold. It sticks to my feet like a wet leaf. The shower is comfortable, washing clean my fears, soothing heart ache of once held dreams, not shattered, but moved, changed, disrupted, and set aside maybe to never be dreamt of again.

I long for that which I cannot have. But there is something greater I search for. Something deeper than this, this is what I see. I am here for a reason, a purpose, to pour out my heart and life and help, encourage, support, inspire. There is something I want, and maybe I don't know what it is. I hope for what I can't see or touch. But do I hope for what I should? Do I long to see the face of what will save me? The answer is a drop dead no. Not right now at least.

I'm not going far enough, trying hard enough, screaming loud enough, moving fast enough, holding tight enough. I cry tears of failure, am I not good enough? But you have called me, approved me. Made me something special and unique, than why can't I just be free from this fear.

I want to let go. I want to fly. There is an unknown, unexplored vastness that you created and I want to fill it with your love, and hope and joy and peace, I want to scream about your love, let the sound dance off the clouds, sweep under the wings of the birds, carry with the cold winter chill and mix with the warm summer breeze. I want it to hit me in the face, hold me as I lean againsts its blow, the hissing past my face will comfort me, whisper words that hold me close against your face, against your heart.

Im lonely here. The wind has died, the air is cold, the room is dark, voices whisper from the corners. Tears are pushing hard against my will, my lasting defense that won't let go that I'm not hurting, I'm not searching, I'm not feeling like a failure. Im here to be something and I can't admit that I have nothing. I have empty pockets and I want them filled. I want to hand out candy to the person passing by and make them smile and pat me on the back and say how nice this person is, how incredible that he would think of me. And I would feel good about myself, like I was special.

Maybe thats the wrong approach. I don't know what to do. I need a hand, a push. Please.

2007-05-19T14:27:00.000+08:00

And maybe Im too young to keep good love from going wrong. But tonight you're on my mind so you never know. When Im broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it. Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it. Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run. Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun. And much too blind to see the damage he's done. Sometimes a man must wake himself up to find that really, he has no one. I think I found myself last summer but lost myself come new May. A case of finding myself up on the mountain and losing myself coming back down, where it mattered, where there was no home for me. I think maybe if aI had a little someone to call my own, to lie with, to breathe with, I would feel so much better. Maybe if I could wake up right by you and just lay in your bed watching you untill you woke up, and you wouldn't tell me to "get out of here" we'd probably just fall in love all over again at the sight of a new day in your eyes. All of that, all of that. I had never had asked for much, well thats a lie of the biggest kind, I had always asked for everthing, but I never got you. I want a lover with an organ chest and breathing that knocks the rain out of the morning, someone just to stroke my hair and tell me something amazing when all around me smells like shit. Maybe if I could just have you for a second, today has been so terrible, just a second with you, and then I could pack you back in your box and wait a thousand and one days until fate introduces us properly.

2007-05-19T14:10:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: UNO-ing with you to see you smile again.
Song: Feel good inc. - Gorillaz
Mood: Not good.

Walao. Every girl wants you seh. And I do mean every. I told you once before I left for camp that my absence would just give girls a chance. And you said no. You even said you wanted Syak to go away. I asked how. And you said you'll find a way. Now I see how you're liking her so much. And it just makes me cry you know. You know? You keep asking me the same thing. And I know why. You're wondering why I'm lying right? Truth is I'm not lying. Honest. And I keep seeing so many girls like you. They even say they love you. I guess you get it all the time don't you. Wow you get so much love. All I get is nothing. I guess Syak is perfect. So run along okay? Fyi, Nurul Huda loves you too. She wants you too. I'll move out of the queue la okay? Till further notice.

Much Love,
Tashah bodoh macam babi.

For friends:

Steph ; I stopped smoking and drinking a long time ago.
I just didn't tell you cos I wanted to know if you cared.
I didn't smoke or drink for one year ald.

Fana ; Sorry if I was being too close to Steph okay?
And I do know that I'm not up to standard to be a friend okay.

Yeah see. That's all the friends I have. Two (:

2007-05-18T14:49:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Bapak kau.
Song: No song.
Mood: B!tchscreams mood.

So today was quite okay? Had health screening so we skipped Maths and went for this fun thing. Remembered Camp Cheif, Sky. Haha. He can't dance? And he has hair on his legs! Haha. I honestly don't like guys with hair on their legs. So start shaving, Papa. Forgot that my dad doesn't have hair too. Haha. The other periods were boring. Music was full of b!tchcreams. That suggests that Music was kind of boring. Literature was hell as per normal with breastless Ee. Then after that was Lunch. Okay la. I ate Chicken Chop with Mashed Potatoes and BIG BIG BIG LOVE, Coleslaw. AAAAH! I love coleslaw. So then, I didn't like do anything stupid or anything la today. Then went for Music Technology. Was shitless at first la. Then I went to take the drumsticks in the cupboard while Nabee and Mye were using markers to replace drumsticks. Pfft! Then Mr Jamaloes played a thing. Or was it two? Yeah. So the class gathered around the drum set and I went first! Doesn't feel as easy as it seems tau. Nabee and Mye and some other girls from my class I don't even know their nams went too. So yeah. Then Kai Yee showed us something? Then I persuaded Mr Jamaloes to give me drums lessons during the June holidays. He said yeah okay! Hehhs! What fun. So we were all about to leave when we heard a good string of drums being played. We turned as a class and all of us got freaking shocked to see Tae Hoon! Yes Tae Hoon the hot hot tall tall cute cute friendly boy. Fucking cute I swear siaaaaa! Then kan kan kan, we made him play again. Boy was he good. Fucking good bodoh! So yeah. That's about it for today. So now, I'm heading to the library with Kak Fatinn. So okay bye.

Much Love,
Tashah B!tchscreams.

2007-05-17T08:04:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Going back to sleep.
Song: Fashion your seatbelts - Drop Dead Gorgeous
Mood: Sleepy and moody.

So I came back from camp yesterday. Got home and no one was home. So I had to wait outside the house. Gaaaah! Then eventually got in and almost pee-d outside the house. I swear bodoh! Okay so I shall tell all those who even bother to come and read what I did at camp okay?

Day 1:

Intro to Peter and Sam.
(Peter Parker Paku Papa. HAHA.)
[Sam Ah Ma Sotong. BIGGER HA-HA.]

Putting bags in the dorm. (Stupid we slept like a can of sardines. Literally.)

Assembled. (Yada yada yada.)

Learnt some claps. (I shall list some down below.)

Played catching. (I fucking swear bodoh! Fun like fuck sia! Emmanuel spiderman.)

Lunch, I served as one of the food servers. (Yes I served for cleaning too. Babi.)

Flying Fox. (Mark is an ass. Belle didn't come down.)

Abseiling. (I swear I could have died. I fucking swear bodoh!)

CRC. High Rope courses. (Again, I swear I could have died sia. Haddy trembled till the whole log shaked. Sissy boy. I walked on a piece of wire two storeys above the ground. I could have died there you fuck!)

Dinner. (Ate forgot what ah.)

Night walk. (Blind folded, Nabee behind me, myself behind Amelia. Had to hold each other's shoulders and walk. Baaaaah! Someone made a ghostly sound I swear I cried in my blindfold.)

Watched and get annoyed at the flying aeroplanes every 5 mins.

Bathed. (Stupid girls dotno how to bathe considerately so the three of us bathed at the basin.)

Area cleaning.

Supper. (I ate a Marble cake.)

Sleep.(Mye slept at the end, Nabee in the centre, Me beside her. And me and Mye had a leg fight. And yes Nabee was lying down in between us. She shouted but we continued still. Haha! And in the end I won cos Mye was laughing alot.)

Day 2:

Woke up at 4.50 am (Nabee woke me up.)

Bathed. (Me, Mye and Nabee bathed at the basin. Yes basin.)

Morning exercise and jog led by Jerer Tan. (No not Jerry Tan. Jerer Tan. We ran in fucking slippers okay! And I was having a stomach ache I felt like giving birth.)

Had breakfast. (Ate Fried Bee Hoon eh? With some fish.)

Sat under Dorm A cos it was raining heavily.

Played some stupid game. (Before that, we got scolded and I swear she spoiled my mood. Sam, I swear you're a fucking ass at times.)

Went for briefing of the stupid Kayaking.

Then we got partnered with boys. And I chose a strong swimmer, my abang Lex. HA-HA.

Carried our kayaks down to the sand.

Then we went for our water confidence. Girls locked their hands with each other and we (I rock at it I swear bodoh! Partnered with Lex. He would save my life if I drowned. HAHA!)

Then we went up and didn't kayak cause we had no time since it was raining, Kayaking got delayed in the morning.

Went up for Improvised rafting. (We made a raft. I sweat a few of us did all the hardwork. And all the fucking China foreigners wasted time and played around. You fucking China people go back to China ah! I'm not being a racist. I'm being a countryist. Hehhs :D)

Went for sea rafting where we got on the real raft. Paddled till the centre of the sea then we jumped in. (Laughed like orang gila cause the big dude He Lin can't swim and its soooo funny we laughed till we got a slap each from the dude who was our instructor. But we laughed more cause we got slapped.)

Then after that, we went up for Lunch. (Sat outside the dining hall cause we were wet. I only remembered eating the Fried wantan [dotno how to spell ah]. FUCKING NICE BODOH THE THING! I SWEAR!)

2007-05-11T13:15:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Him.
Song: Promise - Matchbook Romance.
Mood: -

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go
And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me
I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last foreverI feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know, You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you.

2007-05-11T12:30:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Limewire or Ares.
Song: Dangerously in Love - Beyonce
Mood: My mom confiscated my phone and iPod for the night. HAHA!

So okay. I think I'd better be a good girl from now onwards. No more swearing at Mom. No more going out without telling. No more bad thoughts. I got my iPod video yay! Nver knew how confusing it could be yeah. But Mom, I'm still not studying. HAHA! Okay so last night, I went to watch SpiderMan 3. Yes again. Never gets boring watching it. And yes I did cry at the sad parts! I have feelings if you guys didn't know. Well, ima go run along now and go figure out the itunes thing (: Alrights bye. Enjoy the song. Pfft!

Much Love,
Tashah Hates You.
Except You.

2007-05-08T13:19:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: How to put in songs into the iPod video when you don't have songs in the com.
Song: Last night - P Diddy feat Keyshia Cole.
Mood: I'm feeling soooo hot! FAN PLEASE!

Okay so recently these few days, I've been blogging for like every two days once. Like hm. Coincidental. Well today, I have a valid reason. I didn't blog on Sunday cause I went out with familyyyyy to get my iPod. So yesterday I didn't blog cause Daddy brought the laptop to work to fix it cos of the stupid "Photo Album" virus fucken people send. So its back home and working good. So Didi will be getting his laptop by tml and this laptop would be mine! Ah yeah man! So I can't wait for tml. My iPod videoooo! Come to mama, baby. I think, I'm going to name my iPod Annette. Haha lame. I'm bored. So the first few songs I want in Annette is uh:

DONE BAYBEH! (:

More to come soon yeahhhh?

2007-05-04T16:06:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: AZURA MICHELLE & PHIQUE RYAN.
Song: Because of you - Ne-Yo.
Mood: I miss him alotttttttt.

Okay sorry for not blogging yesterday Was at school, got home and got ready to go VivoCity. yeah and I only got home at like 11? So got home and practically slept ah. Well today's Malay paper like uh suck. I'm so going to faillllll I swear. So then had to cancel going out. He had parent meeting session. So planned to go out tomorrow. Then I have to go do some fuck baby-sitting cos maid's on off tomorrow. Stupid. No other day ah? Ah that's all I think. Okay byes.

Much Love
I miss you, Love.
TSY.

2007-05-02T15:44:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Left or Right?
Song: Lucky - Britney Spears.
Mood: Do I look like I'm in the mood.

Had a lame exam today. English. Was kind of easy for me? I chose the stinking one word question for compo. Lies. That was the title. Personal recount I guess. I wanted to write more if it wasn't for the word limit and teachers reading thing. I swore I wanted to have written more. Okay no telling. I cried abit while writing it(: o then it all ended at 10.30 and I ran away from Science. Pfft! Science? Who cares?

Went to uh some place for my own. Was kind of soothing? Walking walking. Pretending it all.

You see, I used to think I had the freaking answer to everything, but now I know, life doesn't go my way. All I need is time. Just one moment to listen to me. I'm not a small girl like I was, don't protect me. It's time that I learn to face up to this on my own. I think I've seen more than what you see me looking at to tell me to close my eyes.

I just fall down to your feet everytime I see your texts and I re-read all that we had before. It just makes me cry. Sorry for being stubborn, I was just born that way.

EH BABI, KU NAK CAKAP AKU TIPU? EH PUKIMAK.YOURE SO UGLY ANDREW DOESNT WANT YOU. YOU DONT WANT TO GO OUT WITH HIM COS YOU KNOW YOURE UGLY AND YOU DONT WANT TO FEEL EMBARASSED. YOU STILL DARE SAY I LIE? EY BITCH. I WENT OUT WITH HIM BEFORE OKAY? I DONT NEED TO BE LIKE YOU. I SWEAR, ONE MORE FUCKING RANT I HEAR FROM YOUR BULLSHIT MOUTH, I'M GOING TO WIPE YOUR FACE CLEAN OKAY YOU MOTHERFUCKER? DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT. I DON'T CARE IF YOU GT FUCKING BACK UP. IM NOT AFRAID COS I'M NOT IN THE WRONG. PEOPLE TELL ME YOU'RE FUCKING UGLY THATS WHY YOUR DP IS ALWAYS AKU LOVE TEARAA. EH HELLO WOMAN? LOOK AT YOURSLF IN THE MIRROR BEFORE SAY PEOPLE CAN? YOU SAY I TALK BEHIND YOUR BACK WHEN I DINT? EH KANINABEICHEEBYE! NOW YOURE TALKING BEHIND MY BACK? WHAT YOU THINK YOURE GAINING FROM THIS ALL? YOU SAY I PALE? AND WHATS THAT SUPPOSSEDTO MAKE ME FEEL? SAD? PFFT! AND THEN YOU SAY I SHOULD FEEL GUILTY? FOR WHAT IN THE WORLD? FOR LOOKING SO PALE? WOMAN, AT LEAST I DONT HAV FREND WHO PRETEND LIKE YOURS DO. I PITY YOU AT TIMES. YOU THINK YOURE SO STRONG, WHEN EVEN MAISARAH, YOUR FUCKEN BEST FRIEND CALLS YOU GENDUT BEHIND YOUR BACK. HAHA. YOU ASSFACE. TALK TO ME TO MY FACE AH BABI!

2007-05-01T23:52:00.000+08:00

" Tha m0re i see u sad, the weaker my heart gets. Tha more we fight, the m0re closer our b0nds get. I love you!"
" Would you be mine forever sayang?"
" Huhu, frm a rand0m friend frm fs. To a likeable friend. To a crush. To love. And nw together forever."
" Aww! 20320! Ill keep those dates in my heart forever! Gosh, syg. Ur tha gal ivebeen lo0king for. N its sweet that u rmb! Tha very first time we talke!"
" Yes darling. Ur like one piece of a rare gem. Hardly cld be found. One in a milli0n! I love you heaps sayang! U have that character in u that ive been l0oking for."
" U no, uve got me always. I want u, i wana be ur everything. Everytime i close my eyes, i see u in my mind. My heart beats ur name sayang."

I can go on forever.

2007-05-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: What went wrong and what could be done.
Song: Over it - Katharine McPhee.
Mood: Hug me cos I'm crying and bleeding.

Sorry I didn't blog for 3 days. Was kinda bummed about so many things. Hm. Don't ask me if I'm okay when you know I'm not. I guess this song is really good? But I don't think I'm over it at all. You feel that everybody doesn't like seeing you and him together. Everyone is trying to seperate you. You get called a flirt, a bitch, a slut, a cunt and yet you love him. You really want to say sorry but you missed the chance because you were too angry. Then you lose him. You feel like you could have loved that someone so much more in the past and suddenly, the moment's gone. Then things end so suddenly and you have no say for your rights? And you feel stupid and spied on. Then he's gone for forever. You start to listen to sad songs the whole week and you cry and lock yourself up te whole day. No food to eat and too much to think of to sleep. Your eyelids are heavy but you won't want to miss a second of life to think of ways to apologize though you know he's never coming back. And you know you'd never find someone like him. You bleed on the inside and you're always hurt on the outside. You are then forced to think hell is a place called home. I can't help but taking my hobby to a higher level. I never knew knives were heavy.

I don't know what I did this time. But i'm pretty honest with my mind. You know somebody's lying. And then, he said, she said. But it doesn't matter in the end. People want what we've got and we just laugh itoff cause they don't know what we've been through.

Its just been the couple of days that I can't honour. I still remember the day when you called me your sweetest. When we had our own little places. Cause you there's no wrong way to have your little nose nuzzles. And now its all gone down the drain, you can't fish it back out. Someone's killed, murdered, tore away your forever and you'll never get it back. You know you want things to go back to normal again. You look yourself in the mirror to see this little girl crying without knowing the true meanings of life. You see her internaly dying. You know she's feeling down and she know's this is not what love's about. And then you feel her story running through you. She wakes up with a whisper of a love's name. And in the night, she ends up screaming fighting with the people called "family". You know they're not true to her but she's holding on pretending she's strong. Again and again she tried. Yet over and over they lied. And she starts crying everytime. Then it starts raining on her. She begs for Him to take away her pain. She doesn't want to live; doesn't want to breathe. She hugs her pillow everytime late at night. And everything everywhere doens't feel right. She tosses and turns finding the right warm spot to rest in. She wants to burn and break down these walls. She doesn't want to fuel this fire anymore and she knows nobody trusts her. Nobody wants her. Nobody likes her. Nobody feels her. Except for that one person who has changed her in a matter of days. She can't sleep at night and you wonder why she almost gave her life. You pity her and you can't do anything cause that person you see in the mirror is you.

End//

2007-04-28T10:52:00.000+08:00

Song: Have you ever - S Club 7.

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over.
Knowing there's so much more to say.
Suddenly the moment's gone.
And all your dreams are upside down.
And you just wanna change the way the world goes round.

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody.
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry.
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby.
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking.
Lookin down the road you should be taking.
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go.

Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together.
Back in your arms where I belong.
Now I've finally realised it was forever that I've found.
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round.

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody.
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry.
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby.
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking.
Lookin down the road you should be taking.
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go.

I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels.
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see.
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow.
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round.

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody.
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry (I'm sorry).
Can't you see, (ohhh) that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby.

Have you ever felt your heart was breaking.
Lookin down the road you should be taking.
I should know, (I should know) cos I loved and lost the day I let.
Yes I loved and lost the day I let.
Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go.

GOD! THIS SONG MAKES ME CRY EVERYTIME.
I REALLY WISH I COULD MAKETHINGS RIGHT AGAIN.
IM REALLY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU CRY.

2007-04-28T10:18:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Something ah. Don't kaypooo (:
Song: Because you loved me - Celine Dion.
Mood: I want to taste you again please.

Sorry never blog fo a few days. Nothing much happened really till yesterday la. There's 4 new people in class and nackit they're so rude and disgusting and annoying. A few that is. Emmanuel is rude. Shen Le is disgusting. Okay so that's all for at day. Then yesterday, celebrated a class party for the April babies. Yeah. Was not fun at all. Stupid people made me serve them. Served a few and left class with nuggets. Ahaha. Then went home, changed clothes, went out to meet Azura:]. Hehhs. Azuraa:] pfft! Was raining abit though. Then it rained harder. Yeah was pretty cold la actually. Then I forgot that I brought the jacket. So yeah I freezed till half way and I put on the jacket after. Like wtf. Yeah la. Then when I wanted to leave ald, Azura:] made the stinkiest joke. Azura:] say go home later, then I say later my Daddy scold me. Then Azura:] sad I'm your Daddy. Ahaha. Still can taste and smell Azura:]. Then today nothing happened. Nackit! I'm cold for no wussing reason. But the sun is like so bright. Then called Fate last night. He was having problems with Deela. So yeah okay I talked to him and scolded him okay I adviced him too. So actuallywas supposedlyto go out with him today. But then I have to go to this somekind of stupid person related to Daddy. The baby got cukor jambol? Pfft! Whatever ah. Its in CCK! Then want to take cab? Confirm cannot fit la right! So I don' want to go ah. But then haven't say yet. If possible, I want to go buy for Azura:] a birthday present. I got 5 bucks from Bibik, 15 bucks from Daddy. Birthday money la kan. So yeah. I need to go Alex what I should get for Azura:]. I want to go give Azura:]'s present next Saturday. Azura:]'s birthay on Sunday. I'm so excited cause I'm going to buy something for Azura:]. Haha. So that's all la. I didn't chat with Azmir for like uh, 3 days? But he did text me. Hm.

I'm greatful for each day you give me.
Maybe I don't know that much,
But I know this much is true.
Shine in the dark,
Shining you love into my life.
Through the lies you were the truth.
My world is a better place because of you.
You saw the best there was in me.
You gave me faith cause you believed.

IM SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU CRY!

2007-04-25T21:07:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: How sweet life can get sometimes.
Song: My Yellow Blanket - Baby Bop.
Mood: Baby, lick my nose.

Fana cut herself today. Grr got me mad for abit. But couldn't take being mad at her for long. Pishhh! Haha, had to hug her. Hoho. So that's for mornings. Then during recess, ate chicken cutlet and coleslaw. SHE SPELT COLESLAW AS CALESLAW! Hahah! Then Fana came to wait with us. Then she went to buy for me and Steph and herself drinks first. We drank plain water instead of orange juice. Yay! We lost like 5 grams. Hahas. Than Farina fainted again. For like the umpteenth time that week? Yeah. So uh then we were like woah. AND THAT FREAKING KAO PEI SAID FREE SEX! Whatever ah.

Then for that stupid History class, we went to the library. Yes Azlan, my skewl has a library. Most skewls do?

Yeah played UNO again at night with Azmirrrrr! Wasn't so much fun though. Pfft! Sorry, my fault. The chocs just made me feel so mallow along with the rain. I guess I had the mood to love and not play tonight? Hm anyways. Nothing much to say.

Anyway,
Love,
Fana & Steph.

My Azmirr Dans.
When a man pledges.
It's like murder he wrote.

2007-04-24T19:52:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Songs to listen to.
Song: Goodnight goodnight - Hot hot heat.
Mood: Are you okay, Steph?

Hm. Steph's feeling down. Poor you. Its okay la. I'm here okay, FRIEND. Haha. So yeah. Azmirrr Dans broke his ankle (: Poor baby. I had so much to say but then I forgot. Haha.

OH OH OH! AZMIRR DANS LOST TO ME IN UNO! AHAHAHAHA! THEN HE WON. AHAHA!

Okay bye cos he finished updating and I lost.
Pfft!

2007-04-24T12:39:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Should I play with my brother's hair wax and camwhore or act sick like I am?
Song: Oh Mandy - The Spinto Band.
Mood: Let's get horny cos its raining and cold.

I didn't go to school today! I swear, if I get barred from taking the exam, it wouldn't be a freaking surprise to me. I know I've been skipping school like alot. So yeah, let's all hope that Tasyaa gets expelled from that fooken school and get transferred to a better school with better friends who keep to their fucken words.

These stupid symptoms of young teenage friendship growing old. Gaaaah! Whatever la you. I have Azmirrr Dans & Sawah. So back to the point, I didn't go school cos of stupid stomach flu. Mr Kevin Ong gave me a freaking horny face and asked if I vomitted cos I was freaking pale and I vomitted twice. So I said I didn't vomit. Ah fuck it man! Don't tell me if I look pale! I don't like it!

So I couldn't even stand straight yesterday. Today was a pain too.

And Azmirr Dans is still at Sher's place. I hope you'll feel better soon, Sher. And go get some rest too ah, Azmirrr. I just hope I'm not like breaking a friendship okay? Oh God. Let's not talk about it. Sher, get well soon. I know how it feels. (: *(note to self)*

So I think I'd better run along now and go put some crazy clay on my hair and camwhore alot. Yeah. And it's raining with thunder and lightning and I almost shit my pants. I'm going to go now. Going. Miss Azmirrrr.

*(note to self: Take good care of Azmirrr as always for your own and Sher's sake.)*

2007-04-23T21:07:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Azmirrr Dans.
Song: The game is over - Nsync.
Mood: I want my Azmir Dans now.

Firdaus' sister wants to beat Steph up? She'd better beat me up before she gets to Steph okay? Fat woman! Grr! Tsk! I miss Azmir. How splendid. We didn't fight today. It's like things are getting better. And Boncet, I did appreciate it when you asked before you went to Sher's house. Like so much, I appreciate it. Thank you for compromising sweety. Ever since I started to share something , everything just seemed so light to me. Especially when you said that you wanted to be the one who ... Hey! You should know la okay? It's MY fantasy with Azmirrr Dans. Don't ask me why I call him Azmirrr Dans. I like it I guess. This is the life. I should hold on tight. I should be living what I have now and not moan and groan and grumble right? I'm stll trying to get it right. Hey, no matter how much I hate it, its still my life. (:

I'm sure you've heard these words before. And I know it's hard for you to trust them once more. You're afraid it all might end. And a broken heart is scared of breaking again. But you've got to believe me. I'll never leave you. You'll never cry long as I am there. And I will always be there. You will never be without love.

I don't mind being a loner in school anymore. Its good for me too. It taught me a lesson, and it's giving me another chance to live. When I'm all alone, I have time to think before I do something. And it seems, since the day I learnt to live on my own, things have been going okay. I have so many things to live for. And one of them is for a guy that I've loved since the day we had something to share. And no forgetting I'm still living and still havig hopes for a friend I used to love with all my heart and soul; more than I ever loved a guy in my life. But now that she's gone, I have Azmirr Dans to give all my love to. This is simply splendid. A not perfect life. And family which I have to give my love to. And I don't mean Mom & Dad family. I meant my other family. The family I love. Let's name a few hm? :
Azmirr Dans,
(N***e),
Sawah,
Teeaaraa,
Fate,
Cassandra,
Sofi,
Steph,
Fana,
Era,
Haikel,
Dee,
Ash,
Andrew?,
Alyff?,
DRIS,
WEI KAI!

Gaaah! I can go on like forever and never end. So till here, people, I love you like woah.

BYE.

2007-04-23T18:45:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: AZMIRRR DANS!
Song: 19 stars - Meg & Dia.
Mood: Baby swing me.

School was quite okay. Very okay. Till that breastless megazoid came and made me, Mai, Belle, Nabee stand becus of our hair accessory. I had a BLACK clip with a SILVER circle, Mai had a Red hair band, Belle had Green and Nabee has urh Red? So being the smartest class, we were in front of everyone and I mean everyone. Ahaha. We didn't bother so much actually. We stood up and even talked while standing. Ahaha.

So enough about that fuck. We played boggle. Pfft! It sucked. But my class won in the 2nd round. I got two Kit Kats! Yay!

Then my stomach ache came again. Like fuckkkkk! I felt like I was giving birth to quadruplets while walking and doing jumping jacks. Grr.

OKAY MY DARLING SNOW WHITE CANNOT WAIT FOR ME TO UPATE.

SO TILL HERE (:

2007-04-22T19:03:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: How stupid I am.
Song: Through with love - Destiny's Child.
Mood: Someone save me?

Was so happy about meeting Azmir today. Got so excited. I waited so patiently. For 5 hours, I didn't mind the wait. I'd wait for forever for you. Till I found out you were only pretending? You pitied me. I don't like pities. You're doing to me what I did to Amin. I learnt my lesson. I gave up everything I could to have you. I gave up being friends with Zacky, deleting all the boys who aren't important in my msn, I stopped accepting boys' friend requests, I didn't reply to any boys' comments, and I didn't talk to any of my friends to avoid listening to all the bad things about you and I was forced to think hell was a place called home. You even swore to Sarah. Jesus. You really hate me don't you?

2007-04-22T00:38:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: The best ways to apologize.
Song: Runaway love - Mary J. Blige feat Ludacris.
Mood: Sad and crying as always.

Amin did it again. Only this time, to me with the help of the love if my life. Omg Amin, you didnt have to do it at this time. I was really falling in love. I know what I did to you seemed heartless but you cannot make me lose my love everytime I fall in love. You got me real bad and you made me lose the people I love 3 times now. What more do you want? I'd rather you take my life and beat me up. I don't want to live if every love is going to end up this way. Amin, please,I'm begging you. I know what I did. I still want to apologize to your mom. But I'm so embarrased. God, I lost so many people around my birthday. First was Aqil, then Nabee, then Azmir, then my Aunty. Why did the people that I loved so much go at a time like this. Especially when I don't have a life. God, I'm only 14. I know you don't want me to live. So just take my life. No one wants me. Please, I want to runaway. Will someone runaway with me? Please? I can't live on my own. I need to cry. You know what, these are my problems. Why should I make anyone else runaway with me? They didn't do anything. I've got problems till my eyeballs till they're spilling out everywhere. Please please please, I want something good to happen somewhere. Just one thing please. Just one small thing to keep on making me hope for more good things. Please? I don't want to live anymore. Can I runaway? No one understands me. No one wants to keep me and love me. Why am I even here crying every night? There's no point to live and see the world. I'd rather be blind.

No love here,
Me.

2007-04-21T21:30:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: What to where tomorrow.
Song: Before I fall in love - Coco Lee.
Mood: Wtf.

I wanted to go with Steph and Azmir and go meet Teeaaraa today. Budden mommy said we're going to Aunt Nana's place to celebrate my birthday. Turned out she lied. We went here to do nothing. WTF! At least the kids bought me something. Things for me to study too I guess? Hm yeah.

So tml, I'm going out with Azmir. He wants to fetch me from under my block. Oh how sweet. Then we're going to meet Teeaaraa. Hms. Thanks for the gift yeah love? I'll love it I swear (:

Ryan Phique.
Azura Michelle.

Cute right?

So yeah. I can't wait for Azmir's present tml. He bought a necklace, with a real ring on it! Like woah. So expensive. Then kan, he even engraved our initials on it. Aw man. You're really nice pretty(:

I'll blog more soon.
Bye.

Love,
me (:

2007-04-20T19:55:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: How sucky-er my Birthday can get.
Song: No song playing.
Mood: Through the rain - Mariah Carey.

Birthday today. Its even worst than a normal day. Classmates are bullshit. Friends are okay. Nabee? Well she's just Nabee.

School was normal. Got chased by that freaking moth again in Maths class. Did a tribal dance. Nabee had her own tribal dance too. Mr. Jamal made the whole class sing a birthday song. I couldn't care less. I just walked out of the class. And came back in when they finished their little sing-along- session.

CCA was okay. I guess. Board Of Directors wished me. Thanks guys. Then only thing that made me smile even abit was Edward getting a wedgie in front of me. Thanks Omar.

Walked home and cried the whole walk through. Lucky I had someone to accompany me. My Barney.

So yeah. Got home, bathed, jumped into boxers, do all those "THANK YOU!!"s to the people who wished me a happy birthday that isnt so happy.

Little brother wished me happy birthday and gave me a sharpener. So yeah. The present I got today was a sharpener. I should be happy cos I now have something to sharpen my pencils with?

Yeah. I didn't see Mdm Norain for counselling after school today. I was so sad and I cried so much I couldn't face her. I'll see you on Monday during recess. I promise. I need someone to talk to anyway. And the person I count on isn't here anymore.

Well the hardest part of the day today was in school ad at home. During guitar lessons. I can't listen to people who sing songs to celebrate something I don't wish would ever come again. Especially when it comes every year. When I heard Mai say," Eh, Nabila nangis." I just went blank and turned. I pushed her to one side and tried my very best to comfort her. Wanted to hug her but then my mind hit me. It just said back off, she told you to fuck off. Don't make it worst for her. So I just accompanied her till Mai came. Then I sat at another place with Steph and all after we came back from 7-11. Then when they left, I sat all alone. Waited for people to call but no one did. So yeah. The most fucked day is today.

AZMIRRRR<3

2007-04-19T17:47:00.000+08:00

School was okay I guess. MT freaking fun laaaaa. Sat with Novia and Amelia. I showed Amelia how I slit wrists and arms. We were doing practical and not theory. And she almost vomitted at the blood. Ahaha. See Mel, should have never asked me that question. Talked about sex and splitting condoms. Come on Mel, having sex and taking it out before the sperms come out are as good as wearing a condom that would split. Isn't it? Then I learnt to speak Indon. Gue ingin bisa bicara kayak Mel dan Nov. (:

Counting the days,
second after second.
Let everyone know,
Myself; I'm all alone now.
The white moments,
they'll never have another chance.
All that I ask is sincerity from you.
Not another poem.
Just erase your sacrificed sensation.

2007-04-18T22:53:00.000+08:00

I LOST MY PARENTS' TRUST.
I LOST MY FRIENDS.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, I LOST AZMIR AND NABEE.
FOREVER.
HE BEGGED ME TO GO AWAY.
SHE TOLD ME TO FUCK OFF.
I CRIED TILL I VOMIT.

I CRIED BECUS I LOST TWO LOVES IN ONE DAY.
I CRIED BECUS I MISS MY OLD NABILA.
I CRIED BECUS I WAS BEGGED TO LEAVE.
I CRIED BECUS I AM SUPER SCARED TO VOMIT.
I CRIED BECUS I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ANY PALE-ER
I CRIED BECUS ITS ALL HAPPENING 2 DAYS BEFORE MY BDAY.

AND I'LL CRY BECUS NO ONE IS THERE TO COMFORT ME TOMORROW WHEN I HIDE AND CRY.
NO ONE AT ALL.

THANK GOD. YOU'VE MADE IT ALL GOOD.
AND SAWAH, THIS ISNT A FAIRYTALE.
NOTHING CAN CHANGE IN TWO DAYS.
NOTHING. I NEED A MIRACLE IF ITS GOING TO HAPPEN.

AND AFTER IT ALL, IM STILL CRYING.
AZMIR DON'T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.

AND THE FREAKING BLOG SONG IS MAKING ME CRY HARDER.

2007-04-17T22:26:00.000+08:00

I wonder why, these days I tend to get pretty tired and restless. Teeaaraa seems to be going somewhere with Zailani. They're so sweet together. The she misses the he and tells me, and the he misses the she and tells me. Aww man, you guys are sooo sweet (to each other). Wish it was that way. I got he honours of being in the centre or two people in love. I get to be the audience of such love. Teeaaraa did advice me though.

2007-04-17T19:04:00.000+08:00

2007-04-16T15:05:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: To smile or not to smile.
Song: 19 stars.
Mood: Learning-how-to-be-emotional-smart kind of mood.

The rules of EQ.
Emotional Quotation:

Doing things for yourself.
Practice makes perfect. (NOT)
Understanding the brain-body-behaviour connection.
Examine your emotions.
Label your emotions.
Distinguish between fact and feeling.
Reflect and evaluate.
Seek feedback.
Accept feedback with good grace.
Identify your priorities.
Write your eulogy.
Discover your vision.
Break the linkage.
Challenge automatic negative thoughts.
Put it into perspective.
Manage physical sensations and symptoms.
Recite personal affirmations.
Take a problem-solving approach.
Make a list.
Visualize success.

OMFG! I CANNOT CONTINUE! ITS JUST HURTING ME SO BADLY OKAY NABEEEE! SO STOP IT!

2007-04-16T13:29:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: AZMIRRRR.
Song: Meg and Dia - 19 stars.
Mood: NO MOOD.

I'm not eating today. I have no mood. Though my tummy's screaming for food, my heart knows I need love more. I shan't eat till I get at least a speck of love from someone. Just a speck will do.

WARNING: ANNIE TENDS TO ASK FOR MORE.

2007-04-16T13:09:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Life.
Song: 19 stars - Meg and Dia.
Mood: Simply Sad.

It would help if you actually asked. No one bothered to ask. Really, no one.

Nabee: Gets mad, and doesn't say anything.
Sawah: Gets mad, and CAPS LOCK me.
Azmir: Tells me I'm pale cos I cut myself.
Mom & Dad: Calls me stupid and dog respectively.

I swear, I'd have to cry on my birthday.

2007-04-16T11:46:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Piercing my lip back again for the eleventh time thank you.
Song: Nineteen stars - Meg and Dia.
Mood: Lethargic, Pain, Hurt, Anger, Confusion, High.

Went to school today. But then, wasn't feeling quite okay. It was alright in the bus. Then I saw Steph and Faa waiting and didn't see Nabee. So I went down and waited. Then Era came. She took 21 today. She walked towards us and I saw a stupid bitchyfook. AFINI! She coloured her brows black? Like woman, you look worst than Kajol having one eyebrow. So we were all like wtf? Okay so we waited. Then Nabee didn't turn up. I thought she would come to school later. So we went to school first. By then, I was feeling abit like out of mood cos I did want a hug. Hm! When w reached school, she wasn't there either. So since I was from a different class, we went our seperate ways. The one where Nabee was always there to walk with me. So I continued waiting. By the time Ms Ee bitchfuck came, I wrote Nabee as absent. And at that point of time, I lost my mood. Felt so sick. WALAO! I MISS NABEE LIKE ALOT SIAAAAAAK! (more than I missed cutting myself.) I need you like more that you need yourself saaaah.

To clear it all, to make things better, everytime you see a slit on me, don't get mad and vent your anger on me. Did you ever try to ask why before you got mad at me like hell and not talk to me for the whole day and curse me in your blog? It really does help when I know someone's there to listen to me and my horse cum problems. It really does. So don't go fucking me and hating me altogether and running back to your ex-bestfriend, (yes the one that you hated me with last year), without asking why I cut myself? It really means alot for someone to ask me. I'm just going to shut up and cry the whole day on my birthday. Hopefully then you'll ask me why. I tried to get your attention from like since day one. But sadfuck,I only got it for a few months. 3 months that is. And then again, Mai would be the centre of your attention. Probably when you're having your I'm-a-nice-person days, we'd talk about this and you'll see me cry. Would you understand me then? I' not being Emo or the sake of being Emo. If I'm going to lose one of my family members because of being Emo,then I quit being Emo. My friends taught me he meaning of being a family. Ask me when I've eaten. Having each other's backs. Sitting at the stairs and comforting one of us because of one bitchfuck boy. Crying together, laughing together. That really taught me. But now, you think I'm trying to have my revenge on you? I don't want revenge. Why would I? I learnt how to forgive. But I won't forget for sure. Having revenge on you would just give me something back. So don't tell me you're done for. I need you still. And don't put the Rawr-ers into this. Ask Sawah. I cried and told her everything about you. She just says everything will be okay. She says you care. I don't want to liten to that. I've been listening to those for 13 years and 359 days. I need to see it to believe it. So when you really show me you care, when you ask, properly, only then will it feel like I'm in love again.

Everyone get's so into the Wtf-Sia-Tasya-Cut-Herself-Cos-Of-Something-Stupid-And-Make-Me-Mad kind of mood. But they never asked why. So don't go around telling me you love me. telling me you care when you're just there for pretend.

PAIN.

2007-04-16T06:50:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Azmir, Family, Problems.
Song: Telephone - Mocca.
Mood: My-Friends-Taught-Me-What-Family-Means kind of Mood.

Life's stupid. My friends really taught me the meaning of love. I know what family means when I'm with them. I feel like I'm with my enemies when I'm at home. I don't like to call it home either. Being outside with friends feel like I'm on the arms of Love. I want to go stay with Granny. That's final. Granny, I'm going to stick to you after I talk to Mdm Norain. So that's settled. All that's left is to make Mdm Norain expel me from school. Then I'd be better off at Broadrick Sec. Though it's like the most jahat-est school, I don't kno anyone there. And neither do they know me. So it rocks (: Granny lives at Dakota Cresent. Very near to Town. (((((:

2007-04-15T11:48:00.000+08:00

Until the day I can't breathe anymore, just know who I live life for. Once you're born, you're just waiting to die.

2007-04-15T11:04:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Azmir and Sawah (:
Song: She will be loved - Maroon 5.
Mood: Stupid.

I've got nothing to add. Days have let me speechless in my story. I only ran to a place to drop my worries. You're another character in my chapters. And we were supposed to have a happy ending okay? HAPPY ending.

Was fun at Aunt Nana's place. I was so childish. We played games like "Mi Mi Mi", "Popeye the sailor man" and my personal favourite, "Set Set Set". Here's how it goes:

Set set set, mi mi mi.
Air pasang pagi surut pukul 5,
Nyonye bangun pagi,
Siram pokok bunga.
Pokok bunga melur tanam tepi pantai,
Itik bertelur,
Ayam menetas.
Cik Barber, jatuh dalam parit,
Cik Minah, datang tolong tarik.
Cik Barber, upah satu ringgit.
Cik Minah, beli kain songket.
Kek kek kek,
Kueh Bangkit.
Siape bergerak kene geletek.

Was freaking fun I tell you. I bought a dress too. Azmir thought it would look good on me. First time wearing a dress. Wowiee! I'm wearing the dress right now. Would be going out soon. Hm. I hope I don't look funny in it. Where I'm going is anybody's guess.

2007-04-13T06:50:00.000+08:00

Thinking of: Azmir & Sawah.
Song: Incomplete - BSB.

Been so boring la lately. Yesterday I didn't attend school. Apparently, I was sick. So here I am posting while waiting for my parents to come down. Hm. Not so embarassing but I do go to school with them. Hoho. My parents? Simply good actors. Just nothing to say about them. I dotno why I didn't post last night when alot of things were happening. Well, I won't post about it. Cos it was the past okay? OMGAY. <--- AZMIR LOOK (:

So urh, I'm not going to IC today. I'm going outs. People are coming down to fetch me soon. So I guess I better not like run late out of class or something. Okay I'm done with my announcements and I should go drag my parents down. Bye.

P.s. : I miss JAJA like woahhhhh.

2007-04-12T14:28:00.000+08:00

Hello scumbag. Im at Pasir Ris. Hohoho. Supposedly to be having make up classes. But Mami Shikin has a computer what right. So I use laaaa (: Then urh nothing else. Sawah is at White Sands with Fatin & Haz. I dotno who but yeah? I have the urge to go there laaaa. But I have to ask mommy first. Cos I'm sick right? Hm hm hm.

So Sawah told me that Fatin & Haz are two crazy people? Hm yeah like me. But I shy laaaa. I want to sneak out and go see her okay? And be back before mommy knows.

2007-04-11T20:11:00.000+08:00

I NEED TO GO DO SURVEY FOR STUFFS.

BAND TEES.
SHORT DRESSES.
LONG TIGHTS.
NECKLACES.
SHOELACES.
BELTS.
BELT BUCKLES.
JEANS.
HAIR SHOPS.
CLIPS.
PINS & BADGES.
SIDE BAGS.
BIRTHDAY PRESENTS.
KNICKERS.
BOXERS.
PANTIES.
AND THOSE TINY ONES.
NEW BLOUSES.
BANGLES.
EAR RINGS.
LAURA PAIGE EYELINER.

I NEED A JOB QUICK!
HOLIDAYS FASTER COME.
I HAVE A JOB TO DO.

2007-04-11T18:17:00.000+08:00

Annie thinks she should try going around Singapore like a tourist. Cos I don't know Singapore. Ahaha. I dotno what busses to take. So I'll go around Singapore in shorts and sneakers and a racerback and a big big backpack filled with food. Anyone wants to tag along? We'll go as son as possible okayyyyy. I'll go alone if ya'll don't want to come along. It'll just add to my tourist look. Hohoho. 3rd April 2007. Yeay!

2007-04-11T12:53:00.000+08:00

I know I stand in line. Until you think you have the time. To spend an evening with me. And if we go some place to dance. I know that there's a chance. You won't be leaving with me. Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place. And have a drink or two. And then I go and spoil it all. By saying something stupid. Like I love you. I can see it in your eyes. You still despise the same old lines. You heard the night before. And though it's just a line to you. For me it's true. And never seemed so right before. I practice every day to find some clever lines to say. To make the meaning come true. But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late. And I'm alone with you. The time is right. Your perfume fills my head The stars get red. And oh the night's so blue. And then I go and spoil it all. By saying something stupid. Like I love you.

2007-04-11T11:32:00.000+08:00

I'm so sorry! I promised to eat Maggi all week but then, I'm tired of Maggi. Then I remembered the KFC and the Pizza Hut in the fridge. So I ate it DUH. I changed my Friendster username. TheAnnie Theory. Sounds shitty. But its temporary I guess. Till I found something else. Will someone tell me what's Melodramatic? I shall find out myself if nobody knows.

Let's see. So we plan to go tanning at Sentosa one of these hot days. Belle's coming in nothing but a bikini(: She's a confirmed. Confirmed to get raped by me and Jaja. Im coming in knickers or maybe just one of my Indie panties and a tube. (: Jaja's coming in the boxers I gave her and spagetthi straps. That I can tell (: We'll go during the holidays. After me and Jaja get home from court that is. So court would be in the morn and in the noon, we'll head to sentosa. Hms. Jaja, bring my shoe for me. Kay thanks. I want to skinny dip? Haha.

So my nails are like long. Pretty to me too. I'll paint them Black on one hand and White on the other. Or, i'd paint them alternately on both hands. Or just a thin black strip that goes through the centre of the nail with white dots on it. Or should i do BnW stripes? Hm will have to ask Jaja about it. She's the nail queen. So Jaja after you read, tell me your opinion(:

Okay I miss Azmir and Sawah and Jaja like aloooot.

2007-04-11T10:21:00.000+08:00

Annie didn't go to school today. Been breathing acryllic dust for two days straight for two hours. Thanks for almost killing me Mr Yeo. Go close down your workshop if you talk about safety all the freaking time and we kids aren't safe at all. Pfft! Teachers these days. Jaja didn't go to school either. Same sickness as me. She got infected by me. Sorrrraye! So she's going to blog her Garu down in Ripple. Drop the topic(:

So urh Sawah and Azmir took care of me in the night last night. Though I can't like type so quickly cos I was so freaking weak and restless and my eyes were closed they were there through the night. Azmir took the first shift. He handled the first few twilight hours. Sawah got it under control in the morning after 12. Man I'm sorry I fell sick and you guys had to be there and wait till I replied to your messages. Then Azmir kept an eye on me by texting me in the morning (: Wonder if he's in school. Oh and yes yes Dear, I'd love to stay with you (: Hm. I miss you ald Sweeeety.

I miss Sawah too. Need to thank her later on. I was wondering whether I should get a birthday present for her together with Azmir (HER BEST BUDDY! hoho) or buy for her something on my own. I was thinking of maybe getting her a big I ♥ YOU thing. I know where. But I need to like save like alottttttt! Then on 8th Sept I needto buy a bag of liprings. Two actually. One for Dee and one for me. And I need to buy alot of chocolates too. That's for Jaja. She wants tonnes of chocolate so yeah I'll get you your chocs too. Go get horny with Nic and make sure he treats me to MacDonald's yeah Jaja?

I FELL IN ♥ WITH A LOVER AND FRIENDS. I guess this is an Up season in my Majority-of-Downs life. We don't see this happen so often now do we? Well okay. I need to lose like 1.8 kg. But since I'm sick, I'll put it to a big advantage and not eat. The miracles of falling sick. Your weight falls too. So I'm having Maggi for the whole week. I'll try to not eat in school though. But tomorrow has Chicken / Fish Chop and Mashed Potatoes. Oooooh! I'll try to listen to Shyam yeah (:

43 more days.

2007-04-10T19:51:00.000+08:00

RAN 2.4.
CHEATED.
PASSED.
FRIEND TO FRIEND.
OPEN TALKING METROSEXUALS.
SHORT DICKED PREFECT.
HUGGED.
SICK.
WHEEZING.
RUNNING NOSE.
COUGH.
HEADACHE.
MUSCLE CRAMPS.
TIRED.
DRUGGED FACE.
AZMIRRRR!
CAM-WHORED.
KFC CRISPY CHICKEN.
CONFUSED.
LIED.
OKAY DONE.

Mommy, Annie is sorry.

2007-04-10T06:51:00.000+08:00

Hello. Nothing much to say. Annie, will you please say grace? Yes nanny.

2007-04-08T20:18:00.000+08:00

I want to change school. That school sucks. Can I go to a school where I don't know anyone? And leave Bedok North and Bedok Town Sec out of question. So many in Damai too. Mom, can I change school? My friends don't need me anymore. I just ruin their lives. Please mom? If you don't want to change my school, can I get myself expelled? Please? All we have to do is just buy new uniforms. If you don't want to buy them for me, then its fine. I'll buy them with my money. I'll save money okay? And when I have enough for the different books they use and the few uniforms I need, will you please change my school? Im really having problems there. Daddy, you wanted to move house right? Can we please do so earlier? My friends still don't know about it. I want to move and don't ever tell my friends there. I'll just disappear from that school okay? Please mom? Please dad? Even better, can I run away from home? Can I? Just please? Can I live with granny and move house too? Id be contented with that. I'd still be happy even if you don't send me money. Just don't call granny's house ever when I've moved. You're the reason I want to run away. So much for friends and family. Oh and I can goto Broadrick Sec too. I don't know anyone there right? And it's jut beside granny's house. Please please. Granny, come let me live with you. Convince my parents please granny. Tell my parents to not send money. Tell them to not visit me. I don't want to see them at all. And granny if you don't want me, just send me to that place for naughty girls. I'm so naughty you guys hate me isn't it? I'm so nauy my friend feel uncomfortable going out with me. I'm just plain big trouble. So just kick me out of the use. Just do so. I'll go live with Daddy's side. They're as "NAUGHTY" as me aren't they daddy? So that makes them family.

I have no connection with my family! Everyone sits together as a family. Even that baby boy. And all I o is sit in front of the laptop all day. They piss me off with one word and I'll just drag myself up to my room. There's nothing sad about it. It happens everyday. Its daily drug. I wake up and go school. Come home late and just sit in front of the computer all day. Mom comes home, and I avoid her every night by just going up to my room. I'll lock myself up in the room till I sleep. And t just starts over. Im dropping Interact Club. I don't care if Wei Kai drops and makes me VP. If I can't even Interact with my friends properly, what' the use of being the VP in Interact Club. I'll go see Mdm Norain tomorrow morning. I'm really needing conselling. I need t badly. I'll talk to Cik Sahara too. Maybe even to my mom. Just maybe. I don't feel comfortable with my mom. I'll just stick to Mdm Norain and Cik Sahara. Probably Fate too. He'd understand me when I cry. I just hope I don't cry when I talk about this to these people. What the fuck am I saying? Im so going to cry. But I still don't want to.

imgoingtoslitmyselftonight.darlingdontmissmewhenidie.

2007-04-08T15:31:00.000+08:00

Its raining right now. And it just makes me smile everytime it rains. i just hope its not raining cos my dearly beloved is crying. Sawah, you crying? Azmir, how bout you? Cassandrawr, you okay? Sofi, if you are, stop crying. I came back after a long holiday without a camera. Well no, as you can see below, the camera rocks like shit!

I have nothing more to say. (:

2007-04-08T14:14:00.000+08:00

2007-04-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

I just got back from Pasir Ris. Like hoho. Was funny shit in the lorry. Hair all over and under. I get slapped by own hair. But its okay. Thoughts of Azmir clears it all (: Then we ate at As-Shalihin? I dotno how to pronounce that. I ate Mee Goreng Kerang. Kerangs are so the sex (: Then we got a free bowl of Kerangs. And like hoho I finished it up (: Oh we had Calamaris too. Another sex in my life. Then we went home and we shouted at people at the traffic lights and bus stops. We got the finger twice. HOHO! Then I got home and Azmir BOO~! -ed me. So I was very happy I diden want to go bathe. Then I chatted wih dear Sawah. She called me later in the night. Poor baby. I love her like aloooot. Then Azmir texted me. He was sooo sleepy. Like hoho. Now I'm alone at night having a big fight with Aqil. Like hello. Dont try to be sarcastic please.

MEN THESE DAYS.

" Life was never about women. We're just living Barbies. The ugly looking Kens are actually what life is about. It was never about women. It was always about men. They make the choices and make us feel bad. Tsk Tsk. Men..."
- MY MOM.

2007-04-07T07:15:00.000+08:00

Its like seven am now. And no I'm not asleep yet. Tv shows were boring so I cranked up some shows. I watched JackAss2. I still like it though the gazillion times I've watched it. It still cracks me up. Silly old shows. Making my day like it does. Yesterday was Good Friday. And boy did it start badly. Both my hands were like tortured. Left hand has glass on it. And my right wrist sort of like got kicked by my brother while we were Thai Boxing. The big brother to be exact. So I got fired up and started kicking him back. Down he went. HoHoHo. Don't you just love your brothers when you're the only rose among all the 3 thorns. Its lovely to know that the world's stupid. It really is. Then Good Friday ended. It dropped me a gift along the way. A priceless gift. I guess it was an advanced bday gift from God. Thank You for not forgetting me here. Now I'm filled with love. I now have a CLOWNY CUTE SUPERHERO to call my own. Isn't life wonderful? I guess I'm all psyched out about this I still can't sleep. Well I had fun advicing Cassandrawr all along. And messed with Akiff too. It was a great day over all.

" I don't know, love. My heart says so. I guess I fell for your cuteness and adorable-ity, just the way you are makes me smile. Everytime I talk to you, I just think about you and forget the world! "

2007-04-07T01:17:00.000+08:00

AZMIR IS LOVE <3 color="#ff0000">LOVE <3 color="#ff0000">LOVE <3.
BUT MY RAWR-ES ARE ABIT MORE SAYANG-ED BY ME.
YOU DON'T MIND RIGHT TAYANG? I STILL LOVE YOU (:

HOHOHO.
THANKS TO SAWAH FOR THE ADVICES ALL THIS WHILE.
THANKS SOFI FOR LAYAN-I MY STUPIDITY ALL THIS WHILE.
THANK TO CASS FOR HAVING SOMEONE TO COMPLAIN TO EVERY NIGHT ALL THIS WHILE.

YOU'D HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME BEFORE YOU GET TO THEM.
theyre my sayangs. INCLUDING AZMIRRRRR DEAR!

2007-04-06T16:06:00.000+08:00

Today is known as Fucking Good Friday. I don't know why. It's not good at all. I have broken shards of glass on my palms and hands. Don't ask why. I explained the whole story to Azmir, Cassandrawr and Sarawr ald. Im lazy to explain again. Thank You for being so good, Good Friday.

AZMIR <3

2007-04-05T17:29:00.000+08:00

OKAY WORLD,GOD, FRIENDS, FAMILY, EVERYONE. I REALLY GIVE UP OKAY! YOU WIN! HAPPY!? YOU WIN!

FROM NOW ON, ALL MY LIFE IS ABOUT CRYING OVER BOYS OKAY! I REALLY GIVE UP. I REALLY HAVE NO HOPE. YOU WINNNNNNNN! THERE YOU GO! YOU WIN.

SO WHO'S UP TO CONTROL MY LIFE AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

and now that all my friends are in skewl, im left here to cry all by myself.
so then, i give up now.
okay no ones going to ever be able to open my door and pull me back up again.
not even the efforts of Jaja or Sarawr or Alyff or anyone else.

IF I HAD MY RAZOR BLADE, I WOULD HAVE CUT MYSELF.
BUT NOOO. I JUST HAD TO LOSE IT.

2007-04-05T14:34:00.000+08:00

Annie pierced her lip back today. She got a new hole actually. She moved the hole abit upwards (: So it will swollen tml. But its okay (: She would stay home. Nyeaaaha. Diden go skewl today. Walao I totally forgot about NAPFA test. But nvm laa. I shall do it with those who failed.

2007-04-04T21:08:00.000+08:00

Okay I just woke up. And I'm freaking cranky. The world is a cunt. And the computer is a prostitute laaa! I don't want all you fucking msn-ers to send me that fucking "photo-album" virus then get mad at me cos I cursed the fuckshit out of you. Then you have the cheek to deny i was virus?! Your mum must've hated you geek! Walao! Im chattig with Sofirawr and the msn jammed? Fuck things laaa!

My parents are pissing me off too (: Mom sits at the com and wants to use the comp and watch AI at the same time. I changed the channel and she gets mad!? Walao and i changed back o find out JDI finished. THANKS MOM! BIG HELP!!!

And now, Sofirawr's being a darling counselling me. I really don't want to cut my wrists anymore. My friends worry too much. And my dearest friend doesn't want to feel so dear anymore. I miss my old Jaja. I thought the hug we had would save it all. It just makes me drad for more.

So then my parents bug my life again. For goodness sake, i don't want to listen to you! I'm wearing headphones here! Yes I know JDI is on tv! Walao! Don't you see my scrunched up eyebrows!!!

200 CAN SUCK COCK LA! WALAO!
I NEED A FRIEND. A TRUE FRIEND WHO WOULD WATCH ME CRY!

I DONT WANT TO CUT MY WRISTS.
I DONT WANT TO CUT MY WRISTS.
I DONT WANT TO CUT MY WRISTS.
I DONT WANT TO CUT MY WRISTS.
I DONT WANT TO CUT MY WRISTS.
I DONT WANT TO CUT MY WRISTS AND CRY.
I DONT WANT TO BLEED!
MY FRIENDS WONT WORRY ANYMORE.
IVE CAUSED SHIT IN THIS WORLD.
I WONT CONTINUE THIS.
ANNIE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.

You know Alyff, my heart sank so deep and it wouldn't come up.
What you said this morning repeatedly just breaks me piece by piece.
"Dris come back for me okay. Don't come back for anyone else."
If she means so much to you, I guess I should learn to open my eyes and move on.
Dris is a friend. And I don't want to spoil it for you like some people do.
I was smiling when I saw you smile. It just attracts a smile on me when you smile.
And when you said those words, I almost cried okay!
And you said it so many times too, Alyff.
And you sounded very professional laughing an giggling making it sound very easy for you.
Damn Alyff, I really want it that much.
I just hope Jaja would be there to hug me and tell me whats right when I cry tomorrow.
Jaja please. He's your bestfriend.
You understand him more. You understand everyone more. Make me understand please.

2007-04-04T16:56:00.000+08:00

Went to the airport today. Was late so grabbed a cab. Yes Annie paid for it. Then me an Jaja went all over Terminal One to find Dris. She was like no where in sight. But it was the correct flight. So me and Jaja jogged our way to Terminal Two to fetch Alove Aiya cannot come by himself. But okay. So then me and Jaja again jogged our way back. And the best Alove could do was like skipped a step or two? Then by the time we got to Terminal One, the gate was closed. We ran to the departure window. Dris no where to be found. So then Jaja spotted Sheilaa. So we went with her. Too, she diden see Dris. Then we saw this Skoot look alike. They were friends of Dris too. Then Alove began being annoying by bugging the shit out of Jaja by saying bye to Dris who wasn't even there. And he was making Nabee feel worst.

Then, Alove got a phone call. He was on the phone at 7.15 am? With who you ask? About to find out kay? Then we were laughing when we saw this MatRep walking by Alove's side. So I squinted and tadaa! It was Eddie Kepe. Jaja's worst nightmare. Then we hid under pamphlets. Hohoho. So then, we went to Terminal Two to have Macs. Just because our Abang Diploma/Master dident have Macs for awhile.

Then I spotted this guy SLing with this other guy. HOT MAN! Others like Sheilaa just thought it was gross. And other even weird people diden even see.

So we ate. And Sheilaa blanja-ed. Thank You! Then Jaja sat in front of Alove. Very close la. Then Sheilaa sat in front of Eddie. And I got the best seat in the world. In front of Alove's bag which he loaned to Eddie. Wtf sia. I sat there keeping quiet (: How decent.

So okay. Went to order food. And again Jaja stood behind Alove. Okay la I kept quiet the whole trip through. Then we got our meals. I ate in silence and the rest talking about Andrew, Asrul, Global Warming and etc. And all I did was put my butter on my Sausage McMuffin. So then I played with my hp. And Jaja claimed that Alove was constantly looking at me! WTF! I love playing that game okay. Dont say a word (:

So then me, Jaja and Sheilaa went out to have a puff or two. (Okay la! The whole stick.) Then the two Abang Diplomas sat aside. Then we finished it and we made our way home. Alove and Eddie and Sheilaa went out to go meet Asrul. And me and Jaja made our way back to skewl. Stupid sey. We changed at Eunos MRT Stats.

We went back to skewl and everything was back to normal. We just missed English. (: Then I wrote Alove's real name all over my world.

Thats All for now.
BYES.

2007-04-03T18:55:00.000+08:00

Times are getting hard. Every simple guy whom just like Arif, simply sweeps me off my feet. Though he did held me by the waist without even knowing me.. I think he's nice. You took my number and just kept quietttttt? You know, it's really hard for me to like guess and wait for you to top-up your phone. Im not a mind reader tau. So do like tell me when you're on it okay? And do go home please. Stop hiding and running away from your family lar Arif. If youre having problems, hey, I'm always here okay? See what you did to me? You got me falling all over the place. I know. I am desperate for a boyf. But you know, we should be friends first okay? And to tell you the truth, I was sooo touched when you said the MCR trademark was you and me. Man that was some hell of a bloody romance. Then when I left, you actually moved me and said to send regards to my parents. You're dear to me too I guess. And Fate is a pain in the ass for not helping (:

Okay so then today was ugly. I remembered me and Jaja doing a tribal dance in class cos we were chased by a big freaking moth. And today, I got chased by one again while I was buffing my workpiece in the Inno Block.

Then wentto KFC at opposite CS with Mai and Jaja. Yes Mai. Jaja's ex darling. Okay yes I am jealoused. Shall avoid doing that in the near future.

So Im afraid year 2oo7 has been a sucky year. I guess 7 just isn't my number.

ANNIE LOVES EU.

2007-04-02T21:34:00.000+08:00

God, help Annie your slave please. Everyone is falling in love. God, did you forget me? I hope not. I'll sit right here and wait okay? Do come quick. I need love. Thank You. Don't turn your back on me now okay?

I need you like.. So much.

2007-04-02T19:15:00.000+08:00

the jerk
at the soda fountain
leaks in her hand
nailed on the door
MEN OUT OF ORDER
her body
curved on a couch
a smile
ZIPPED UP
IN HER JEANS
HIS GENES
SPRING RAIN
YOUR BODY IN ME
SCARED STIFF
PAYING FOR CONDOMS
WITH A RUBBER CHECK
NUDE BEACH
NOTHING NEW
UNDER THE SUN
ORAL SEX
THE POLITICIAN
SPEECHLESS
MAKING LOVE
THE JACK-O-LANTERN ALSO
GRINS IN THE DARK
SHADOWS MOVING
ON THE BEDROOM WALL
A PUMPKIN'S EYESj
MY NAME
DROWNED
ON HER TONGUE
SMELL OF RED SNAPPER
THE SHEET'S WHITENESS
A HANDFUL OF LOVE
HER HIPS
SWING AHEAD
OF HIS TASTE
PREGNANCY
GUESSING THE TECHNIQUE
RELATIVES SMILE
HER CRY
MOUTH AND TEETH

SOPRANO IN LOVE

2007-04-02T17:52:00.000+08:00

I had a bad day i guess. Had rehearsals in the morning. Nothing fascinating la. Then I had recess. Just like every other day. Then I got a 8/10 in a Maths Quiz. The previous one I had like a freaky zero that would wink at me and make me cry. So well done Annie. *Pats own back*.

Wore a bear mask that Abang gave me in class today. I drew Sarawr, Nabee, Sofirawr and Cassandrawr on my arm big big today. I guess I love my girlfs than I do my any of my boyfs.

2007-04-02T17:48:00.000+08:00

I want you. I need you. But you don't. I really don't know who I am at this point. I'd try to see from my own eyes and even ask myself questions like why am i borned as me. I don't know who i should and should'nt trust right now. Every friend is a foe. Bbut every foe is the one who actually bothers to not care for you. And all your friends do are sit there and not hate you. When foes go ard telling stupid things about you and talk bullshitfuck abut you. What Jaja said was true. Your true friends are your enemies.

Hey I really can't stop this.
Annie's gone bollicks.
And no more colourful fonts.

APRIL FOOLS DAY.

2007-04-01T22:34:00.000+08:00

SO TODAY I GOT FOOED ALOT OF TIMES.

SCREAMED IN LJS AND EMBARASSED MYSELF.
WALKED THE WHOLE TAMP INTER TO FIND HADDY'S "LOST" PHONE.
WENT HOME TO A FAMILY FULL OF TRICKS UP THEIR SLEEVES.
FOOLED BY DADDY.

and so on.

ANNIE GOT FOOLED THIS APRIL PEOPLE!

2007-04-01T09:08:00.000+08:00

ANNIE MISSES HER SARAWR LIKE HELL.
ANNIE MISSES HER SOFIRAWR LIKE HELL.
ANNIE MISSES HER CASSANDRAWR LIKE HELL.
ANNIE MISSES HER NABEE LIKE HELL.
ANNIE HER MISSES HERSELF LIKE FREAKING HELL.

Annie has done it again.

2007-04-01T08:53:00.000+08:00

I woke up a 7 tis morning. Had a sleepless solitude. Was in the midst of thinking of things. Exactly what things i do not have an idea of it myself. But i knew I was thinking of something serious. Very serious. I tell you, Annie cried.

Annie couldn't handle the guilt, the pain, the trouble, the heart and head aches she caused. She got so confused. And like Sarawr mentioned, being grown-up isn't half as fun as growing up. As a matter of fact, being grown-up isn't fun at all. I want to bereincarnated into someone else. If its possible, Iwant to go back in time and apologise to every single thing and every single person I mistook and took granted for.

And don't tell Annie things would get better and that she's only experienceing her down side of life. It doesn't get better at all. Year 2007 has really been down in the dumps. She's been taken over by some deadly disease. And now,she's left all alone. Without anyone telling her the sweet GoodByes and warming Hellos.

Every word in this post has a meaning. Annie doesn't like being grown-up. She doesn't want to go to school. Neitherdoes she ever want to get married. She doesn't want life anymore if what she is experiencing now is a part of this thing called life. People always mentioned that these are obstacles. Fail one, and you fail living your life. Pass one and you get the greatest life of all.

Annie had you. She lost you. She's wasted. She caused you. You don't want her here messing with your mind.

But please. If there is another chance again, Annie would really love to be loved. And she doesn't freaking care if this post sounds so attention seeking. Let it be. Annie does need attention.

I pity myself too. But don't ever pity me. I hate it.

2007-03-31T21:12:00.000+08:00

Okay I-rawr just got home from MacDee's. When Sarawr called me. Hahah. She so childish. Okay maybe WE were childish. But so what right. Then we talked on the phone and she screamed TASYAAAAAAA! Ahaha. That really shocked the Coke out of my nose. Like hohoho MERRY CHRISTMAS. Funny lar that woman. And she went to go like urm find me a boyf. Good luck in doing that yaw. Then I-rawr left and on the way, Sofirawr messaged her. So i told Sarawr to tell Sofirawr to come and call my phone so we conference. Then that stinky woman eating laaa. Like spoil sey Sofirawr. Then after that, I-rawr told Sarawr to go tell Sofirawr to ask Cassandrawr to call too. Then we'd have a rawring good time. But then Sofirawr reply late so tak sempat. Then okay la.
Thats all i have to say (:

OKAY DA(:
TIMEWITHANNIEHASENDEDFORTODAY.

ANNIE <3>

LYRICS TO THAT SONG YOU HERE IN MY BLOG. ♥EMOTIONS

2007-03-31T19:18:00.000+08:00

It's over and done .
but the heartache lives on inside .
And who's the one you're clinging to .
instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go .
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean .
You never see me fall apart .

In the words of a broken heart .
it's just emotion taking me over .
Caught up in sorrow .
lost in the song .
but if you don't come back .
Come home to me, darling .
don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight .
nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight .
Goodnight, goodnight .

I'm there at your side,
I'm part of all the things you are .
But you've got a part of someone else .
You've got to find your shining star .

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go .
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean .
You never see me fall apart .

In the words of a broken heart .
it's just emotion taking me over .
Caught up in sorrow .
lost in the song .
but if you don't come back .
Come home to me, darling .
don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight .
nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight .
Goodnight, goodnight .

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go .
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean .
You never see me fall apart .

In the words of a broken heart .
it's just emotion taking me over .
Caught up in sorrow .
lost in the song .
but if you don't come back .
Come home to me, darling .
don't you know there's nobody left in this world tohold me tight .
nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight .
Goodnight, goodnight .

2007-03-31T17:59:00.000+08:00

These days are just getting so tiring. Went to the library just now. Was with Haddy, Irwan, Is, Dan, Edward. Nabee didn't come because she was having a maulut. Maulut Nabi right, Nabee? So then, at the library,we got chased out from the top floor. We sat at the first floor then. And we got another warning again. Becaus Haddy was shouting and laughing.

Then bumped into Pajilah there. So long never see her. Like walao, miss her sia. She was there for a project too. Then Irwan and Edward left. Dan, Me, Haddy and Is went back in secretly. Then went to sit at block 405.

After that, i went off to meet Faan. So I claimed Kak Fatinn's hair straightener back. Got it back already. Im going to cut my hair okay tomorrow. Don't laugh please. Most prolly I'd get Nabee to accompany me to go cut my hair first. Then meet the guys there. I want to cut like Mariah's hair. Nice sia her hair. Like woah.

Then there's this guy name Azrul who added me at friendster. Fairly nice guy. A good listening ear yeah?

Then there's the band. Din and irrsyad and syak quit on us. Like okay nevermind. So there's like only Me, Ash and Sheilaa left. Its okay ah. We'll find better replacements. We'd do just fine without you guys (:

So i guess thats all for today? No need for the explanation on the new blog okay? I'd be changing the blog song soon. Would be changing to Emotions by Destiny's Child.

2007-03-24T17:00:00.000+08:00

ITS A NEW BLOG.
ITS A NEW DAY.
THE SKIN'S TEMPORARY.
WILL CHANGE IT SOON.
ITS SCARING ME WITH THE WELCOME NOTE.
CHANGE IT THEN?
NAWW, LAZY.